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For more information, and our terms of use, go to bbc.co.uk/ouch. \par \par [Jingle \par O U C H spells Ouch] \par \par MAT\tab I love that song. Hi, I'm Mat Fraser. \par LIZ\tab And I'm Liz Carr. \par MAT\tab You're Liz who? \par LIZ\tab Carr-rr-rr-rr. \par MAT\tab Oh what beautiful dulcet tones you have retained. \par LIZ\tab I know, I know it's lovely to be back, sorry I had to pull a sickie last month with my appalling voice. [whispery voice] Hello. \par MAT\tab Yeah I know, you did, you sounded like Marge Simpson down the phone. \par LIZ\tab Yeah it was fantastic. \par MAT\tab Oh speaking of people who sound like Marge Simpson, Rob from Spaceships Are Cool, who }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 give us that theme tune, get better soon love, I know you've got flu.}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par LIZ\tab So this is our 50th show. \par MAT\tab 50! 5 \endash 0. \par LIZ\tab 5 \endash 0. Is that as old as you? \par MAT\tab Not quite. \par LIZ\tab Not quite. \par MAT\tab Because that's, erm, because I'm in year terms, Liz... \par LIZ\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab ... and we're talking about monthly terms. \par LIZ\tab Yes. You mean we didn't start in 1960? \par MAT\tab No we didn't. \par LIZ\tab Before the Beatles. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 MAT\tab No, no, not? the Beatles. \par LIZ\tab Oh okay. }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid3164900\charrsid3164900 So b}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 eing our 50}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \super\insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 th}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 show we're going to be taking a bit of a trip down memory lane.}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par MAT\tab Oh great. \par LIZ\tab We've got a few clips you may or may not remember, plus you might learn a few things about the show that you didn't know. \par MAT\tab I did ask for a bottle of champagne to celebrate. \par LIZ\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab Apparently we're not allowed it, it's been banned by the 麻豆社 now. \par LIZ\tab I thought that was because of our medications. \par MAT\tab Well it would certainly make them more interesting. \par LIZ\tab Make me a little bit squiffy. \par MAT\tab Joining us shortly in the studio our freelance albino reviewer. \par LIZ\tab He's reviewing albinos? \par MAT\tab }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid3164900 He is, you grammatical pedant, Rob Crossan who will be here to skew the disability news agenda to his particular way of thinking.}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par LIZ\tab And wow}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 on the phone from a quarantine room in a {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Sydney {\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} hospital later it's this guy. \par [Playing clip] \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \i\insrsid11697720\charrsid11697720 Whilst maintaining to blood pressure \par And holding down nausea \par I'm waging a war on the frigging world of bacteria \par So come on bacteria, come out where I can see you \par I'll show you little pools for giving me diarrhoea. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 That's Christi}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 an Van Vuuren aka the Fully Sick Rapper. H e pains to point out that he is genuinely 'very sick', in the old fashioned sense of the word. Yes he is. \par MAT\tab Our quiz, Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetables comes back to haunt us. Have you got a slight visual impairment? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Do you use a white cane? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you have a guide dog? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you have an assistance...? \par MAT\tab Find out if we correctly guess what's wrong with this month's contestant later. \par LIZ\tab We're on the web at bbc.co.uk/ouch where you can read lots of interesting articles, go to our message board, watch videos and lots more. That's bbc.co.uk/ouch. Wow our 50th. \par MAT\tab I was remembering back when we started. \par LIZ\tab Oh yes. \par MAT\tab We used to do it in a tiny little studio didn't we, we borrowed it off Radio London or something didn't we? \par LIZ\tab I think we did. Apparently that's not even there anymore. \par MAT\tab God that's how old it is as long ago. \par LIZ\tab Times have changed. \par MAT\tab And who did we have in those early... because I remember... \par LIZ\tab We have Steve. \par MAT\tab ... going back.. . we had Steve our lovely engineer. Hello Steve. Also I remember going away from the second one and emailing you or ringing you and, "God that was awful, Liz, that was so unfunny." And then hearing it back and thinking, "My God we've really hit upon somet hing, this is really different." \par LIZ\tab Yeah. I remember being approached to do the podcast and not even knowing what one was. What? What is this? And now every, you know, it's so much more of a common term isn't it? In fact we're not, we're not a podcast now. \par MAT\tab Well now it's a Talk Show. \par LIZ\tab We're a Talk Show. \par MAT\tab We've outgrown ((podcastery \endash sic)). \par LIZ\tab One of our big change}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 s}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 . So have you had a good month, Mat, are you all right? \par MAT\tab I'm working my little boobs off. \par LIZ\tab Okay. \par MAT\tab I've got two days off this month. \par LIZ\tab Nice. \par MAT\tab I'm doing lots of disability stuff. I've j}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 ust been doing the diversity}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid8978524 'so you want to make your website accessible', the diversity }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid3164900\charrsid8978524 \lquote }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid8978524 learning how to DVD in-house 麻豆社 DVD th}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid3164900\charrsid8978524 ing\rquote }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid8978524 .}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par LIZ\tab Like it. \par MAT\tab It was good fun. That's pretty much it. I'm doing gigs up and down the land, you know, in inaccessible places and talking to inaccessible faces \endash yeah? \par LIZ\tab Hm}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 m}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 that sounds good. \par MAT\tab A bit of poetry there. \par LIZ\tab Poetry you're inspired by the Fully Sick Rapper. \par MAT\tab Yeah. \par LIZ\tab I can see. \par MAT\tab I am. I'm going to say this now while he's not listening. \par LIZ\tab Go on. \par MAT\tab Sounds a little bit like Falco. \par LIZ\tab Rock Me Amadeus. \par MAT\tab Yeah. [singing] Amadeus, Amadeus, Ama--... oh that's enough. \par LIZ\tab But he has... \par MAT\tab Copyright, copyright. \par LIZ\tab Oh no stop. Well I'm just glad to be here because I've got the workman in. I've got people doing the garden. \par MAT\tab You've got the painters in? \par LIZ\tab I've got the gardeners in. \par MAT\tab Oh no hold on that's a bit confusing. \par LIZ\tab No not the lady gardeners, before you say it, no we're digging, doing a lot of digging. \par MAT\tab So why what's going on? \par LIZ\tab Because I'm having my garden made all beautiful for the summer. I've lived there five years }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 and }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 haven't done anything. I don't know if you remember, in fact one of the shows we... \par MAT\tab We had Rob, didn't we go round }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 to }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 do a bit of gardening for you? \par LIZ\tab Rob was PA-ing for me and he went round to garden and he quite enjoyed it I think, he had quite green fingers and red eyes. And it was good. \par MAT\tab And white hair. \par LIZ\tab I' ve done nothing and it's lovely. But they came round today to deliver a skip right and they were late. And I'm in the kitchen sort of hiding and I'm going, "Don't pay them the full rate. Don't pay them the full rate." And Jo, my partner, she's going, she said, "Come out in your wheelchair" she said, "because, you know, a little lady, a sick little lady confronting them there's no way they'll take all the money." And I was too scared \endash can you believe that? I didn't play the game. \par MAT\tab What? \par LIZ\tab I actually stayed in the kitchen}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 she went out and paid and I should have shouldn't I? I'd have got a discount wouldn't I? \par MAT\tab Did you not get your discount? \par LIZ\tab No we didn't get... I said we should take twenty quid off}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 for whatever}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 for them being late and I'm sure she's right that if I'd have done it and wheeled out and been all cripp}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 l}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 y I'd have got my discount. \par MAT\tab You're not usually shy of using your disability to get a discount, Liz, are you? \par LIZ\tab I know. \par MAT\tab I've even started accepting, you know, when some people from - hm}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 m}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 how shall we put it \endash other cultures sometimes just give you money. \par LIZ\tab Oh yes. \par MAT\tab And I used to throw it back and go, "I don't need it, don't you understand that's rude}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 !}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 " and now I'm like, "Oh great have you got anymore?" \par LIZ\tab "What you've only given me a pound?" \par MAT\tab Yeah "Can I have a fiver?" Anyway, sorry we should... shall we do some emails? \par LIZ\tab Let's do some emails. \par MAT\tab Oh look okay. We've got Melanie now from the location of {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname country-region}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Scotland{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. "Hi Mat and Liz. I heard a fabulous new phrase for wheelchair users today" hold on a sec Liz I think you'd better do this one. \par LIZ\tab "I subscribe to an American journal for people with spinal injuries and almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read the 'Butt surfers'," no Mat keep quiet. "I thought it was a refreshing new way of describing us. I've been a butt surfer for eight years after a spinal cord injury. What do you think}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 could butt surfing catch on?" \par MAT\tab Depends. \par LIZ\tab Well, Melanie, I think butt surfing's been around for quite a while. \par MAT\tab Moving on. \par LIZ\tab For those in chairs and not. \par MAT\tab Moving on ooh from Joe Clark in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Toronto{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} "In the February show you talked about non disabled actors playing disabled roles... \par LIZ\tab Uh-oh! \par MAT\tab ... mentioning Sam Worthington in Avatar specifically. The actor absolutely had to be able to walk and move around in that film since in fact the character was paralysed some of the time and literally super ne w humanly agile the rest of the time." It goes on to say "for a better example of an AB playing a crip look at Kevin McHale who plays Artie on Glee." \par LIZ\tab Oh Glee! \par MAT\tab Now I get your point, Joe Clark, and yes Kevin playing Artie certainly is an example of that. Small point though when the character in Avatar is walking he's not real}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 he's actually made up in a computer so it could be actually be played by anybody. \par LIZ\tab He is actually an Avatar. \par MAT\tab But it's a good one. Thanks for sort of agreeing. \par LIZ\tab Actually it's a real common one isn't it that "yes}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 yes}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 disabled people should be playing those parts, but there are times when it's not right like when you do a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 retrospective look back on the\'85}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par MAT\tab Well hold on}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 when you do the what happened before the accident scene... \par LIZ\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab No I'm sorry because in 1997 for ITV, sorry 麻豆社, I was in a production where me, the blind guy and the wheelchair user all pretended to be able bodied for the before the bomb hit us scene and it worked fine. So shoe on t'other foot my friend. \par LIZ\tab Wow, wow, wow. And I'm trying desperately to think of the film where there's an actor with no legs where they... \par MAT\tab Morris... \par LIZ\tab ... religiously removed his... \par MAT\tab Morris Frump. \par LIZ\tab Yes that's the one yes. \par MAT\tab That's it. \par LIZ\tab In... \par MAT\tab In {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Forest{\*\xmlclose} Gump. \par LIZ\tab In Forest Gump yes. So really it doesn't matter whether you've got legs or not or arms or not they digitally... \par MAT\tab They can take them away. \par LIZ\tab ... take them out. \par MAT\tab And they can paint them in. \par LIZ\tab Bizarre isn't it? \par MAT\tab Can't they? \par LIZ\tab It's bizarre. I saw Avatar anyway and thought... \par MAT\tab What did you think? \par LIZ\tab Thought it was rubbish. Thought what... it felt a bit like The Emperor's New Clothes \endash a bit like what? Oh dear God. \par MAT\tab Did you see it in 3D? \par LIZ\tab Oh yeah I saw it at an IMAX in 3D you couldn't do anything else... \par MAT\tab Right, okay. \par LIZ\tab Do you know what I mean? \par MAT\tab Okay. So you gave it a good shot? \par LIZ\tab Gave it a good shot and I just thought a bit like, well for a first it's got a wheelie who essent ially sells out a whole lot of culture just because he wants a cure. And the second things is technologically it might be great but they're just blue people running around. This email came in, Louise Manuel. \par MAT\tab Manwell? \par LIZ\tab Manwell. Let's not go there. \par MAT\tab Okay. \par LIZ\tab We don't want to do any jokes about that. She heard us talking about non disabled actors playing disabled roles and this was her view. She said, "So what's sauce for the goose and all that what's your position regarding Ryan Kelly who plays Jazzer in the Archers?" So I don't know if you know... \par MAT\tab A blindy playing a see-er? \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab Erm, my friend, Ricky Biddle, a black actor thinks that black people should be able to white up and white people should be able to black up. And I said to him yes when there is a level playing field of opportunity we can all play each other. But as historically we've never been allowed to play ourselves I think a bit of the sort of shoe on the other foot until everything's equal... \par LIZ\tab So that's all right. \par MAT\tab ... is all right. I've got one here from Sally Webster, an email, and she says we help her sleep. Thanks very much. Nice compliment Sally. \par LIZ\tab No but it is because we make her sleep and she w}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 onders if we can go fortnightly?}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par MAT\tab Oh because she's got insomnia? \par LIZ\tab Whey! \par MAT\tab Well we'll try to help you I suppose. \par LIZ\tab We'll do our best, Sally, who knows. Clem Fletcher you've just discovered the podcast, thank you very much. But you say you often don't talk about people with hidden disabilities. You s ay "I recognise the difficulties visual disabilities bring but I would like to hear more about the exact opposite." \par MAT\tab Poor people with invisible disabilities. \par LIZ\tab I know. It must be awful to look totally normal. \par MAT\tab It's kind of like bisexuals isn't it not respect of }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid8978524 )}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 community. \par LIZ\tab Innies and outies aren't they? \par MAT\tab Yes. They don't know what they are, how to behave, who they belong to. \par LIZ\tab I know. \par MAT\tab It's a shame isn't it? \par LIZ\tab They're sort of without a group to belong to aren't they? \par MAT\tab Hm. But you know what? \par LIZ\tab It's awful. \par MAT\tab Not my problem. Anyway, so... \par LIZ\tab Anyway no, keep writing in. \par MAT\tab No in all seriousness sorry, Kate, I know we do have a laugh with that. Of course we support people with invisible disabilities. \par LIZ\tab But really... \par MAT\tab Liz. \par LIZ\tab Are you really that hidden, do you know what I mean? You know you've got somebody say, for example, with epilepsy, they're not that hidden when they're fitting all over the place are they? \par MAT\tab But they're not are they? \par LIZ\tab Just saying. You know that person with mental health problems when they're in the straitjacket they're not exactly hidden. I'm just saying. \par MAT\tab The naked guy with the Y-fronts and the gaffer tape over his face in the underground station tube that's pretty obviously mental. \par LIZ\tab It's just kind of... I know what you're saying... don't worry it's not... I do get it and there's a totally different types of discrimination I think when you've got a hidden impai rment. But there's also hidden impairments aren't always so hidden maybe. Just saying. \par MAT\tab You know the mistake we've made? \par LIZ\tab What? \par MAT\tab Getting serious. \par LIZ\tab Huh! \par MAT\tab We should have just kept it fun. \par LIZ\tab Okay. It was funny wasn't it \endash sorry. \par MAT\tab No w Kate Giles says, "I've just noticed on the iTunes podcast service that it only starts at 19, is there a way of accessing the previous 19 podcasts?" A lot of people have asked this Kate and we get... here's the answer basically. There's a boring techy re a son why that's the case. Kate, if you want to hear all of our shows going back to the first one in March 2006 point your browser to bbc.co.uk/ouch and click on podcast on the left hand side, they're all there. You'll have to download them one by one to yo ur computer and transfer them then to your iPod, or you can listen on your computer just by clicking the play button on the screen. Email us and tell us if you manage okay. And that goes out to any other listeners as well. \par LIZ\tab Get you knowing the technological malarkey. \par MAT\tab I'm only reading the script, Liz. \par LIZ\tab Oh that's true, that's true. \par MAT\tab Okay. \par LIZ\tab And the final, final email Mat. \par MAT\tab Now hold on a sec before we go on any further... \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab I know that you actually are scared of children. I want to precurse}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 (sic)}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 this email. \par LIZ\tab Well we did discuss it, we did discuss the fact that I hate approaching children and them approaching me because I get all a bit oh God they're going to stare and say ridiculous things. Yes I'm scared of children. \par MAT\tab Okay. So now read on. Do you want to read it or shall I? \par LIZ\tab Go on tell me what's come through on mailbox. \par MAT\tab Bill Mayer from {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname PlaceName}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Tampa{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname PlaceType}}Bay{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}, "I listened intently about your hurt wh en children are afraid of you." \par LIZ\tab It was hurt actually Bill, thank you. \par MAT\tab "Kids, Liz, are like dogs" \par LIZ\tab Okay. \par MAT\tab "They're afraid of what they don't understand... \par LIZ\tab Little bitches. \par MAT\tab ... and don't know how to hide. Frigging adults do. Most kids are afraid of Santa Claus and other characters like Mickey Mouse... \par LIZ\tab Is he saying I'm like a fantasy character? \par MAT\tab You're somewhere between Santa Claus, a large man with a beard and a nine foot mouse. "Most kids are afraid... \par LIZ\tab I'm a hairy rodent essentially. \par MAT\tab "Most kids are afraid of any new adult." Hm where's this going? "I know my daughter is shy of any new people and will just stare at them so your disability pretty much has nothing to do with the way kids treat you when they meet. In any case just ignore them. Children should be seen and not heard." Now you're talking sense. "Also all kids are disabled until they're 24 because they're frontal cortex is not developed until 24. So just treat kids as disabled and stare back at them. Finally , if you want to break through to them I suggest you talk to them several times on the telephone and let them get to know you without them seeing you. After that they will greet you like a long lost aunt." Hm. "Also giving candy helps a whole lot." So hold on "I hope you read this. If you do read it I hope you try it, here's a book that helped me break through to people and kids it's called 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. \par LIZ\tab How to win and influence children. \par MAT\tab Now listen. \par LIZ\tab Sum that up for me then, Mat, please. \par MAT\tab Okay. What I think he's asking you to do is to call up the child without them knowing who you are and go "Hello, hello}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 little child" then wait outside the school gates staring at them. \par LIZ\tab So they get used to me. \par MAT\tab Yeah and then when they approach you finally, offer them sweets. \par LIZ\tab Well thank you, Bill. \par MAT\tab Nice one Bill. He's got a lot of other books as well apparently. \par LIZ\tab No thank you everyone this month for your emails. Don't forget to contact us as ever at ouch@bbc.co.uk}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid1210218 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 and we will laugh and talk and enjoy your emails next month. Thank you. \par MAT\tab In about ten minutes we'll be rubbing ourselves in alcohol gel and saying hello to the Fully Sick Rapper in quarantine in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Sydney{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} , but for now Rob Crossan's here with the news. Hi, Rob. \par ROB\tab Hello Matthew. \par MAT\tab Now... \par ROB\tab Happy 50th by the way. \par LIZ\tab Happy 50th you're looking well. \par MAT\tab And you're looking no older than you did 48 episodes ago. \par ROB\tab And it's quite a good life expectancy really isn't it? \par MAT\tab It's a very good life expectancy. \par ROB\tab For a crip - 50 not bad. \par MAT\tab But do you remember when you started with us? \par LIZ\tab Oh yes. \par ROB\tab It wasn't the very first one going to Hamleys, was it going to Hamleys and finding the cripperly piggerly \endash was it that one? \par MAT\tab Oh... \par ROB\tab No it wasn't, no it wasn't the very first one was I had to go and vox pop \endash ugh \endash to go on the streets around Marylebone High Street to ask people if they knew anyone who had a disability or not. Such a lame idea. We've got so much better since then. \par LIZ\tab Haven't we come a long way? Well okay take because we're being a bit nostalgic obviously. \par MAT\tab Yeah we are. \par LIZ\tab So I want to take you back to we think it's your second appearance. \par MAT\tab That's right. \par LIZ\tab Where we sent you to {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname Street}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname address}}Trafalgar Square{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} \endash ringing any bells? \par ROB\tab Yes it is. Sadly yes. \par LIZ\tab There was the statue of disabled artist Alison Lapper in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname Street}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname address}}Trafalgar Square{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}, well we've got a little clip we want to play you of that. \par MAT\tab Let's have a listen, let's have a listen. \par [Playing clip \par The Ouch podcast. \par Mat : So Rob are you with us? \par Rob: Yes I'm here. \par Mat: Okay, great. Rob, there's a little something we want you to do for us while you're there. \par Rob: Right. \par Mat: We sent our researcher, Emma out with you as you know, could you just... \par Rob: Yes. \par Mat: ... tap on her shoulder and ask her for your present? \par Rob: For my present? \par Liz: Your present. \par Rob: Emma could I have my present please? \par Emma: No \par Rob: Oh Jesus Christ! It's an enormous, enormous megaphone. \par Liz: You see what it is, Rob, we want you to pay homage to the great white disability goddess standing there pregnant under the moon in central {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}London{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} , shoring up all our rights and identities. So okay put megaphone to mouth. \par Rob: Yes. \par Liz: And repeat after us. \par Rob: Okay I will. \par Liz and Mat: Oh Alison Lapper. \par Rob: Oh Alison Lapper. \par Liz and Mat: Aren't you nice. \par Rob: Say that again? \par Liz and Mat: Aren't you nice. \par Rob: Aren't you nice. \par Liz and Mat: You are our disability role model. \par Rob: You are our disability role model. \par Liz and Mat: And we really liked you on that 'Child of our Time' thing. \par Rob: And we really liked you on that 'Child of our Time' thing. \par Liz and Mat: Even if you...] \par LIZ\tab Your head's buried. \par ROB\tab It went on forever. \par MAT\tab God you've gone, oh no you have gone red sorry. \par ROB\tab Redder. \par LIZ\tab And to think there was four and a half hours of that poem. \par ROB\tab Yeah. If only it was a }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid8978524 )}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par LIZ\tab Thank God we've learnt editing since then. \par MAT\tab Heady days though. And, you know... \par ROB\tab Seamus Heaney was terribly jealous wasn't he? \par MAT\tab The things we've made you do over the years. We've had you scaling up walls, spending the night in funny little colleges \endash all sorts of things. \par ROB\tab Taking me to a toilet in Heathrow airport under the misapprehension that I was going to {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Lourdes{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. That was annoying. \par MAT\tab It did seem quite cruel on the part... \par ROB\tab It was. \par MAT\tab ... of Damon Rose our producer I thought. \par LIZ\tab Your little case and your toothbrush. \par ROB\tab I know, my passport and I'm so excited. \par MAT\tab I actually genuinely felt guilty about that one. \par ROB\tab But it was pre-recession I thought yeah they can probably afford it. Now I'd be thinking no chance I wouldn't even turn up. \par LIZ\tab We're glad you're still with us, Rob. \par ROB\tab Yeah does it prove how desperate freelancers get? \par LIZ\tab Come on. \par MAT\tab So accessibly... hm}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 m}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 accessibility rather can be expensive and inconvenient on the railways. \par ROB\tab How long do you think it takes if you're a disabled person to cross a platform \endash from one platform to the other? \par LIZ\tab About five minutes. \par MAT\tab Five minutes? \par ROB\tab How about three quarters of an hour? \par LIZ\tab Ooh! \par ROB\tab This is what happened to Julie Cleary at Staplehurst station in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname country-region}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Kent{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} . She wanted to use the lift to get to the other platform, it was unmanned so she phoned up National Rail enquiries and was told that the best thing to do was to take a train to Ashford, 45 minutes in the opposite direction and then go back on herself from there. Amazing! You can't beat efficiency on the British railways. And yeah Ruth Scott of disability charity, Scope, says, "It's extraordinary to make a 45 mile round trip just to cross another pl atform which was only yards away." And I just wonder have we had anything like this you can think of extremely awkward, awkward disability transport moments? \par MAT\tab No I mean... \par LIZ\tab Personally... \par MAT\tab ... that beats most of the ones I've ever heard of... \par LIZ\tab Yeah no it does. \par MAT\tab ... that's ridiculous. \par LIZ\tab I think what's shocking though is that it's still happening. I think, you know, and actually when we began the podcast a few years back, even before that, you would hear of those horror stories all the tim e. So I think that's what surprised me is that that sort of rubbish is still happening, do you know what mean? That's just bonkers isn't it, it really is. But no... \par ROB\tab You're just not going to go out are you, what possible motivation do you have to go out ever if that's the kind of, you know, choice that presents itself to you. \par LIZ\tab And how painful you see the platform it's like, "Well there it is." \par ROB\tab I'd almost be tempted to get a lasso or something like that. \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par ROB\tab And haul myself over. \par LIZ\tab No that's beyond boundaries isn't it? \par ROB\tab Yeah. \par LIZ\tab Do you know what I mean? \par MAT\tab Well that's why we keep saying that joke isn't it \endash the real beyond boundaries will be to try to get from {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}London{\*\xmlclose} to {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Glasgow{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} unaided as a disabled person without warning anybody you're going to be coming and see if it's possible. \par ROB\tab That's the impossible dream. \par MAT\tab Yeah. \par LIZ\tab Well it is easier to cross the {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Andes{\*\xmlclose} isn't it? \par ROB\tab Yeah because at least you'd probably have a film crew behind you saying you're really brave while you're doing it. \par LIZ\tab And pushing you. \par ROB\tab Yeah. \par LIZ\tab Go on, go on the rails, go on, go on. \par MAT\tab What's this "More than the full complement of digits?" \par ROB\tab It's a new world record. It's a boy in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname country-region}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}China{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} with 31 fingers and toes. \par MAT\tab Aahh hey! \par ROB\tab And you're going to enjoy this... well. \par LIZ\tab Is he co-joined? \par ROB\tab Fantastic radio as it is}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid3164900 ,}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 I've got a photo of it would you to see? \par MAT\tab I want to see him play piano. \par ROB\tab Or shall I put this on the website? \par MAT\tab Yes let's have a look. \par ROB\tab There is it. \par MAT\tab Oh my \endash what? \par LIZ\tab How many toes? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight toes on one foot. \par MAT\tab That is so toe sharp. \par ROB\tab No it's 16 toes and 15 fingers. \par MAT\tab I'm going to try and describe it. Liz, I think your powers of description are better than mine. The hand, the skeletal x ray of the one, two, three, four, five, six, seven fingered hands look like sort of spider hands or something don't they \endash spider hand. \par LIZ\tab You're right. \par MAT\tab But the toes, that's just impossible that looks like a ((0:21:00.1?)) that looks like a picture of two feet that's been spliced together twice. \par LIZ\tab It's great. You wouldn't want to wear flip-flops would you? \par ROB\tab Absolutely not. Any kind of footwear would be mildly annoying. \par MAT\tab Even {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Clark{\*\xmlclose}'s would be hard pressed to fit that foot in. \par LIZ\tab And they're good for wide fitting aren't they, you're right yeah. \par ROB\tab We all know that. \par LIZ\tab Yeah we've had them. \par ROB\tab And what's even more extraordinary is that it keeps the current world record which I thought would be maybe, you know, 12 - the current world record is 25, and just been beaten by 31. And this kid's only six. Does it mean he'll grow more as he enters adol escence? \par LIZ\tab Wow! \par MAT\tab Oh my God. But imagine the jazz chords that kid's going to be able to play if he's allowed to play piano. Please parents of the boy with seven fingers on each hand let him play jazz. \par ROB\tab Yes exactly. Well those arpeggios are going to storming aren't they? \par LIZ\tab You'll be joining him in the freak show Mat. A four minute long ((0:21:46.5?)) \par ROB\tab This one needs to go to {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Coney Island{\*\xmlclose} absolutely. \par MAT\tab No I'm not having him anywhere near }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid3164900 - }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 I'll lose my status. \par ROB\tab Yeah that's true you would. \par LIZ\tab Okay. So yes the headlines... \par ROB\tab The stories that... the headlines that I would have liked to have seen but didn't. \par LIZ\tab That's the ones. \par ROB\tab Yeah that's right. "Crip who took a dip, had a slip, broke his hip and choked on a pip called bad luck a bit of a blip." \par MAT\tab Nice. \par ROB\tab And a good one is "Man with 31 toes to be made into cartoon character '{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Hong Kong{\*\xmlclose} shooey'." \par MAT\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Thank you Rob. \par ROB\tab Okay. \par LIZ\tab Until 51. \par ROB\tab See you on 51. \par LIZ\tab See you soon. \par ROB\tab Yeah 51 not out. All right, bye. \par [Jingle: Mat Fraser, Liz Carr, 麻豆社.co.uk/ouch] \par MAT\tab Still to come are Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable parlour game, but now on the line, hello Christia}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 n Van Vuuren. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Hello, guys. How're you going? \par MAT\tab All right, nice to have you on the line. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Well thank you very much, lovely to be on the line. \par MAT\tab Okay, there's a bit of a delay because not only are we talking to you in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}Sydney{\*\xmlclose}, but we're apparently talking to you inside a quarantine place in a ward in a hospital in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Sydney{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} \endash correct? \par CHRISTI}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 A}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 AN\tab That's correct yeah. I'm in quarantine. \par LIZ\tab Well Christi}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 an's causing a bit of a stir on the web at the moment because he's got videos and songs parodying his situation so let's here a clip. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 [Playing clip \par \par Come on bacteria, come out where I can see yer \par I'll show you little fools for giving me diarrhoea \par Finding these small things is harder than it seems \par I'm struggling with cleaning and ((0:23:19.3?)) and everything. \par I'm a germaphobe, I'm a germaphobe phobe, I'm a germaphob}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 e, I'm a germaphobe phobe.]}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par \par That's Germaphobe by Christia}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 n. \par MAT\tab Wow! \par LIZ\tab We're going to play out with that later on. \par MAT\tab Christia}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 n, are you like the boy in the bubble then? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah I'm kind of like that yeah. \par MAT\tab Are you allergic to everything? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Well no it's sort of more to protect the rest of the world from me actually. \par MAT\tab Oh my God. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Or the rest of {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname country-region}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Australia{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlclose} anyway. \par MAT\tab What's the story, mate? This is intriguing. \par LIZ\tab Where are you now? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Right now I'm in a hospital in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname City}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Sydney{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlclose}. Basically I was diagnosed with tuberculosis. \par MAT\tab Whoa, whoa, whoa hold on a sec. That's something out of a Charles Dickens' novel. What are you talking about tuberculosis I thought they got rid of that in Victorian times, what's going on? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah a lot of people think that too and I sort of, when I was told, that I had tuberculosis I was kind of like, "What tuberculosis, a what a saurus uh?" I had no idea really what tuberculosis was because it's not something that we get in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Australia{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} at all. \par MAT\tab No. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab But it's just sort of something that I suppose due to the increase in globalisation and the increase in sort of people travelling overseas it's starting to happen a bit more oft en now. I sort of turned out to have what we call a strain of multi-drug resistant tuberculosis which is sort of the next step further, and is medically a much more difficult situation with regards to treatment and with regards to being able to let me go back out there into society. \par LIZ\tab So how long have you been in quarantine? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I was diagnosed on sort of... I came into hospital on the 9th December and sort of since about the 9th December I've been here for 90 odd days. \par MAT\tab Wow! That must be pretty weird for you. Quickly, take us through an average day in quarantine. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab There's never an average day in quarantine. \par MAT\tab That sounds like the beginning of a film, mate. \par LIZ\tab The next track is going to be called that. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah maybe the next track. No to be honest it's much more boring than that. My days include a whole lot of sort of staring at the walls, looking out my little window onto the car park that I have a view of, which is kind of creepy. \par LIZ\tab So you can... \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab So I'm sort of I'm taking medications at 11:00pm, 6:00pm, 11:00pm sort of, you know, 12:30pm several stages throughout the day. \par MAT\tab In between times you're obviously cracking down onto your laptop and 'dropping some joints' I believe is the phrase for making songs in the genre of hip hop \endash is that correct? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab That's one of probably many different phrases used for dropping tracks in the hip hop world. I'm just like I'm really just trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind off everything t hat's been going on with regards to my health at the moment and the best way to, sort of the best way that I've found of doing that is to... yeah to be sort of focussing my energy on making those little videos that I've been having a bit of fun with. \par MAT\tab Yeah they're great videos, we've been watching them on YouTube and online and they're really good. \par LIZ\tab You've become a bit of a hit. You've got 8,000 fans on Facebook; over half a million people have seen your videos on YouTube; you've got 2,000 followers on Twitter I mean... \par MAT\tab You're famous mate. \par LIZ\tab ... did you ever imagine this would happen? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I could never have imagined that this would have happened. Like at first making these videos was just something that I did to pass the time and give my friends a bit of a laugh while I'm here, to sort of try and, you know, stay, you know, feel a little like I was involved in everyone else's lives still outside within my own little social group. And I could never imagine that I'd be up at 2:00 o'clock in the morning speaking to you guys from the 麻豆社... \par MAT\tab Oh that's right it's 2:00 in the morning. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab ... on the other side of the world \par MAT\tab And it sounds like, ironically, you're more connected to the outside world now by being virtually, you know, by being physically unconnected. And also... \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Absolutely. \par MAT\tab And also I hear that amongst your friendships there is, rather inevitably for a rapper such as yourself, quite a lot of female interest \endash is that true? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah. Again like a nother little surprise there's been a fair few friendly ladies that have been following what's been going on here. \par MAT\tab Hm-mm. \par LIZ\tab You're being very polite obviously because it's the 麻豆社. \par MAT\tab Tell us some more yes it's the 麻豆社, no you can't swear but come on dish some dirt. \par LIZ\tab A little bit more. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I suppose I've had some pleasant requests from females around the world to keep me company while I'm here on my own in quarantine. \par MAT\tab And of course that would constitute a safe relationship if they were the other side of the bubble right? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab As safe as relationships get. \par MAT\tab Oh mate, tell me about it, tell me about it. \par LIZ\tab Have you been making use of the webcam and Skype then? \par MAT\tab Uh-ho. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I've been, you know, I've been learning. \par MAT\tab I bet you have! \par LIZ\tab Technologies come naturally to you. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Like you said like this is sort of just I've never been this connected with the actual outside world in the rest of my life. I came in here without a Facebook and I've now got a Faceboo k, a Facebook fan page, a Twitter, a MySpace, a YouTube channel - it's ridiculous. \par MAT\tab What the hell are you going to do when you get better mate? It's going to be the end of your career. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I think one of the really nice things is that people are just being so sweet about trying to, you know, be supportive about me getting better that when it comes down to it, if these people genuinely, you know, from around the world actually find my videos funny for the content itself not just from the support f a ctor that's kind of cute that I'm sick and I'm doing this, then they'll probably continue to watch any content that I've put on there throughout... I mean I'm going to be technically I'm going to be taking medication and treatment for 18 months to get rid }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 of this (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) and it's going to be a bit of a journey just getting settled back in with my real life again when I get out of here. So I think I'm still going to have some interesting things to make little songs about, and I still am really keen fo r guys to, you know, follow and have a look at what happens. It's been sort of something that feels like it's a little hobby that I can now do, you know, sort of... \par MAT\tab Yeah. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab ... whenever I've got an idea or whenever I feel like putting something on line. \par MAT\tab You're very good at it, and you're not a bad looking bloke, you know, and that's coming from a wholly heterosexual point of view. No really. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Thank you, Mattie. \par MAT\tab }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 Hmm}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 thank you okay. Stop flirting with me. \par LIZ\tab You are attractive and that's coming from a gay perspective as well. I'm just saying. \par MAT\tab Her gay perspective, not mine because I'm not gay but she is. \par LIZ\tab We just like to... \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab That's cool }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 MAT\tab I like gays. \par LIZ\tab But even the ladies like you. \par MAT\tab Look the point being that I've had an idea. Do you know... I love the fact that you're a little bit Falco, a little bit '80s with your style. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab You're like the original hip hop yeah, none of this second wave... \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab I like that. Now you know how like sometimes rappers when they're getting towards the, you know, the middle of their career they start bringing in famous bits of pop songs do you remember the Divinyls 'I Touch Myself'? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Totally. \par MAT\tab Right well I'm thinking because no one's allowed to touch you because you're in quarantine, therefore you have to touch yourself and then that maybe... \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab That's correct. \par MAT\tab ... could be the chorus for a new song. Just giving you some ideas there. \par LIZ\tab We know that... I was following you on Facebook yesterday and I know you were looking out for tracks and new music to listen to so maybe the Divinyls might just inspire you and the ladies watching you. \par MAT\tab He's not impressed. He's like too English... \par LIZ\tab This isn't what I was expecting. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab I'm just feeling this is getting creepy for the 麻豆社. \par MAT\tab We're about as creepy as the 麻豆社 can get, I'll tell you that, }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 . \par LIZ\tab It's creepy fo r anyone. I just have to ask, before we say goodbye, do you see anyone? You know when they bring the food to you does anyone like touch you or... I don't mean in a bad way, but in a good way do they bring the food in or, you know, do you have any human co ntact at all? \par MAT\tab Or is it a robot? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab The nurses when they come in here sort of, you know, have a bit of a chat when they're in here. But they're briefed medically to spend as little amount of time in here as possible. \par LIZ\tab And do they wear space suits? \par MAT\tab God it must be really lonely. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah they have their masks and they wear gloves. \par LIZ\tab Okay. \par MAT\tab On all seriousness, hold on }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 , this must be a really weird remove of any kind of human connection for you because you've literally had it taken away from you. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah it is, it is. And it's definitely something like that I'm really looking forward to when this is all over and done with. \par MAT\tab I bet. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Because it's one of those things like even when family come in or w hen sort of close friends, you know, I'm still allowed visitation and stuff at times. And when that happens they've got to all be masked up like I haven't really stared my family in the face without a mask on or, you know, they haven't been able to sit (} {\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) without wearing a mask and gloves since sort of mid December. \par MAT\tab Wow! \par LIZ\tab So well. So how do we find out more? Where can we... what's your URL, how can we get in touch with you, how can our listeners? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Well cool the sort of whole little character I've built myself (}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 inaudible}{ \rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) is called the Fully Sick Rapper. And so you can go to www.fullysickrapper.com and that will take people straight to my YouTube channel which has all the videos and stuff. And the other thing you can do is if you're on Facebook just search for the Fully Sick Rapper and I've got a fan page there that you can join up and I'll update what I'm up to every day and so that you can help me sort of along my journey by suggesting sort of, you know, your favourite music and anything you want to say just I read all of my comments and I try to get back to everyone. \par MAT\tab Fantastic. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab But you can also follow on Twitter the same thing just Fully Sick Rapper. \par LIZ\tab We're going to hear the whole of one of your songs later on in the show, so stay with us until then. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Cool. Thank you. \par \tab [Jingle: You can email the show at ouch@bbc.co.uk] \par MAT\tab What's the correct term for a 50th anniversaire? \par LIZ\tab I do not know but I know 50th like wedding anniversary it's golden. \par MAT\tab It's a golden one. \par LIZ\tab It's a gold--... and this is our golden so okay I'm going to be cheesy. \par MAT\tab Beautiful cheese. \par LIZ\tab We've got some golden memories and golden moments. \par MAT\tab [Singing] Some golden memories. \par LIZ\tab Some clips listeners, yes, a montage of clips that you may or may not remember from the best of our 50 shows. Have a listen. }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720 \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524\charrsid6166329 \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 [Playing clips \par \par From our Christmas Show, live from the 麻豆社 radio theatre in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}London{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par If you've never seen a severely handicapped person trying to speak before, it can be a bit alarming. But Jerry wasn't just making wild grunts he was actually talking. \par We should have warned the audience before they came in. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 LIZ}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : Who was Sarah Greene talking about? \par Joey, Joey what's her name? \par I've no idea. \par Was it Deacon? \par It was! Joey Deacon. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 LIZ}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : Yeah. Joey Deacon originally came to the public's attention in about '74 and then in '79 Blue Peter thought that children would be able to re}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 late with 60 year old spastics.]}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \par \par [Playing music] \par K}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 IRUNA}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : MC Wheels will be with us in the studio in about 30 minutes from now and cooking up with his fellow wheelchair using rapper, ((Tap Whortez?)) in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}New York{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlclose}. You know maybe we'll get them to freestyle or something interesting. \par \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 MAT}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : Gill, drop the damn beat. [Playing music] I don't know who's going to start but whoever wants take it. \par \par [Playing music] \par \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 MAT}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : We're sending you down to Hamleys, one of the world's most famous toy stores to find some presents with a disability theme. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 ROB}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : It's a cripperly piggerly and it's having an epileptic fit right in front of you. I don't know if you can hear that it vibrates and it's not a nice vibration. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 MAT}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : At quite a rate. Not like an epileptic you can't just hold it down until it stops. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 ROB}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : Oh you can. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid8978524 MAT}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 : Okay, come on. Do the end bit Liz. I want to get down the pub girl. \par \par \par MAT\tab Beautiful times. \par LIZ\tab I'd forgotten so many. \par MAT\tab I know. What was your absolute favourite moment, Liz? \par LIZ\tab Absolute favourite, absolute favourite? There has been some... you know one of my favourites was {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Adam{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Hills {\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. We've had great people that we've interviewed. \par MAT\tab He was a great interviewee wasn't he? \par LIZ\tab And he's the Australian comedian, {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Adam{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Hills{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}, with one leg. \par MAT\tab With a wooden leg. Wooden leg. \par LIZ\tab And we were teaching him about the different words for disabled people. And we were teaching about ((bornies \endash sic)). \par MAT\tab That's it. \par LIZ\tab That's, you know, the bornies who are born disabled and he was quite taken, he was like, "Right I'm putting that in a show" and it is in a show now, it is. \par MAT\tab Oh is it because he said, "Oh am I a bornie againie?" \par LIZ\tab Yeah. So I loved, I mean loads of our... I loved we just did her recently, Sue Townsend, she was incredible. \par MAT\tab Yeah, who knew eh? \par LIZ\tab Wow the author of Adrian Mole books. \par MAT\tab Yeah, yeah. \par LIZ \tab So I loved... how about you when we interviewed... \par MAT\tab Well you know sometimes I can be a little edgy and I remember w e had a slightly edgy, almost confrontational interview with the dear departed Jeremy Beadle, where at one point he started ranting, "This is pagan" and I just sat there thinking, "Yeah we've got... that's the high point in my career, Jeremy Beadle is tel ling me I'm pagan." \par LIZ\tab But, listeners, if you do listen back to that one because you're interested it will be quite plain because as I recall Damon, our producer, had to edit out most of the content of that. Yes Mat? \par MAT\tab Yes. And back in those days of course our studio ops was an unpaid volunteer, Steve Palmer, hi Steve if you're listening. \par LIZ\tab You know because I think people approach us via Facebook or if they know us and think, you know, or anything to do with the 麻豆社 must be glam, let's just say when we began it really was, it was a tiny studio, most people were doing it for free. \par MAT\tab Yeah. We were next to a cafe right that banned Damon's dog illegally, so I boycotted it, do you remember listeners, I boycotted it walked round the corner to find the entire production team in the cafe not supporting my boycott. \par LIZ\tab Well we used to have our production meetings there and they did do a lovely latte. I'm just saying. \par MAT\tab That wasn't the point. I met you on a disability protest, Liz, what's happened? \par LIZ\tab But that's interesting for me is how we also got here because I don't know. How were you as--... were you approached in an underhand way? \par MAT\tab I think that Damon and me were... we just happened to bump into each other I think in a 麻豆社 cafe. And he was like, "I've got this idea for a sort of disability crip run thing" I went, "Yeah it sounds interesting" never really thinking... because there was nothing that went before it so I had no term of reference for it, you know. And now hey we're the stalwart of the cutting edge disability scene worldwide. \par LIZ\tab Then it was a... I remember being asked to do it I didn't know what a podcast was. I thought, "Sounds like fun, never done anything like it" never, you know, never imagined. And now... so now we record from Broa dcasting House so it's kind of the iconic 麻豆社 building. \par MAT\tab We're in a medium sized studio but sometimes we get to be in the posh studio with the grand piano. \par LIZ\tab It's very... you always like to have a little tinkle of the ivories with your no thumbed hands. \par MAT\tab That's it I do (}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) flippers plonking away. \par LIZ\tab We did do that lot when we were listening back at clips to put the montage together and stuff and we did, we still do it now, but at the beginning there was a lot of talk of thalidomide, Mat, wasn't there? \par MAT\tab There was. A lot of gargling from me. \par LIZ\tab {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Lot{\*\xmlclose} of gargling. \par MAT\tab I just love starting with a gargle. \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab And a lot of talk of thalidomide and its annoying little attributes. \par LIZ\tab Then it was thalidomide now that's kind of being eclipsed by the talk of assisted suicide all the time hasn't it? \par MAT\tab It has Liz, and thankfully you've taken a mantel of flogging a dead horse. Oop wrong phrase there. Sorry, a dead crippled horse anyway. \par LIZ\tab I think some of the best memories, strongest memories for me have actually been the... things like the assisted suicide discussions, but also I don't know if you remember the Ashley X discussion? \par MAT\tab Yeah. The serious moments are for me have been some of the best bits in this I think. \par LIZ\tab And I think because, you know, you expect it to be funny and quite, you know, what's happened topical and all of that, people don't expect it and we don't, and then we get into something quite serious... \par MAT\tab Let's remind the listeners, who was Ashley X? \par LIZ\tab Well Ashley X was a young disabled woman who lived in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}America{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} . And her parents wanted her to have treatment, a hormone treatment, that would keep her little so that she could... \par MAT\tab Making her the pillow angel. \par LIZ\tab The pillow angel. \par MAT\tab That's right. \par LIZ\tab She was going to have her womb removed, she was going to have her breast buds removed so that there was nothing... she was nothing adult about her so that she wouldn't be abused and so that she could be kept at home. And of course this provoked a, you know, a lot of different views in the media. But often the views of disabled people were not of course talked about. \par MAT\tab Absolutely. And I honestly am very proud, not that I think we're respons ible for it, but we helped facilitate an alternative opinion of disabled people about these mainstream stores that get aired hugely by the mainstream media but never from a disability perspective. And it's nice that we can provide an alternative isn't it? \par LIZ\tab And a platform for people writing in. So please do keep doing that, remember ouch@bbc.co.uk you know where we are. \par MAT\tab But not just the passage of time has changed, we've actually changed as people, Liz, haven't we in many ways? \par LIZ\tab Well... \par MAT\tab Like when we sta}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 rted I was happily married to Pattou}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 . \par LIZ\tab Wow. \par MAT\tab I remember, you know, shouting out one Valentine and it was heartfelt, and of course that marriage broke up and we're now with different partners and I'm with my glorious and beauti ful girlfriend, Julie. And it's really changed a little bit for you, Liz, as well hasn't it because... \par LIZ\tab I was waiting for this, this always happens. "So what's changed for you Liz in the last four years?" Well four years ago I was going out with a man and then three years ago I started to go out with a woman. Yes. \par MAT\tab I'm interested in this because you're not, I mean, it's very rare isn't it when somebody's straight and then they 'turn' gay. That's a sort of intellectual conceit that I don't think... \par LIZ\tab I'm sorry listeners, he has to go through this. \par MAT\tab You basically fall in love with someone don't you? \par LIZ\tab Well that's it. \par MAT\tab Isn't that what it's really about? \par LIZ\tab That's it. She was absolutely she was... \par MAT\tab You just counter culture all the way. \par LIZ\tab And actually it's thanks to Ouch because Jo was an access worker, working with the Ouch team, not with me. \par MAT\tab I've tried it on with all of them, none of them want to know. \par LIZ\tab She wasn't interested. \par MAT\tab I know. \par LIZ\tab She wasn't interested she had eyes only for me. And that's it, and we've been together three years and yes I should reveal we are about to get married. \par MAT\tab WHAT??!! \par LIZ\tab I know. \par MAT\tab WHAT??!!! \par LIZ\tab I know. \par MAT\tab Are you going to have one of those Elton John things? \par LIZ\tab What? What does that mean? \par MAT\tab A million selling record. No. \par LIZ\tab I wish. I wish. A sequined jacket? No, no, no. Yes Halloween. I'm having a Halloween wedding. \par MAT\tab A civil partnership wedding... \par LIZ\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab ... on Halloween? \par LIZ\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab That's a little bit un-}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 if you don't mind me saying so. \par LIZ\tab Thank you. Thank you the theme is 'Day of the Dead'. \par MAT\tab Oh right, wow! \par LIZ\tab Yes because not only do I always talk about assisted suicide and death's always on my mind. No 'Day of the D ead' is a Mexican celebration where they believe that the souls of the departed come back and celebrate with the living. So we thought and it's not meant... it's meant to be a big celebration there as crips and whoever we are we lose a lot of people, peop le die, so we'd like to celebrate our marriage with people who we've lost and people living. So that's why we decided to have a Mexican Day of the Dead wedding. \par MAT\tab That's very nice. \par LIZ\tab So that's what we're doing \par MAT\tab And of course cheesily trying to do a link here. {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Mexico{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}'s one of the few places we haven't been in the last four years isn't it? \par LIZ\tab We have been to... we've recorded in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}New York{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 MAT\tab (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) \par LIZ\tab {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Edinburgh{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par MAT\tab Aye! \par LIZ\tab I was in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Sydney{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par MAT\tab [making noises of a billabong] \par LIZ\tab Dear God. So {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Mexico{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} maybe... \par MAT\tab [singing Mexican music] \par LIZ\tab And I do want to say we've also had when me and Mat aren't here we've had some fantastic stand-in and other presenters haven't we? \par MAT\tab Who have we had? We've had {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Lawrence{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par LIZ\tab {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Lawrence{\*\xmlclose} {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Clark{\*\xmlclose}. And "Hello I sound like Kermit" Lawrence Carter Long. \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 MAT\tab (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) Kiruna Stamell. \par LIZ\tab "Oh look, she's so cute." \par MAT\tab And we've had... you do Julie, you do Julie. \par LIZ\tab Julie Ferandez and great stand-in, we've had Simon Minty as our stand-in newsperson. \par MAT\tab And I remember when Rob first turned up and Damon was like, "Yeah we're going to actually make this a bit more inclusive and we're going to have this guy who's not from disability culture, in fact he worked for a lad's mag." And I think it was of them booby type ones... \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par MAT\tab ... the front cover ones. And I was all like my back was up, I remember. And now he's become totally one... part of the family. It's been great watching... charting his understanding of disability change isn't it? \par LIZ\tab And yet not lose who he was kind of thing. \par MAT\tab Absolutely. \par LIZ\tab Do you know what I mean? \par MAT\tab And still have a total misunderstanding of it all \par LIZ\tab He's not suddenly working for Disability Now page three... \par MAT\tab No he's certainly not. \par LIZ\tab ... because that would be weird. But no... \par MAT\tab Let's have a look at her. What would be... \par LIZ\tab [singing] Biffy of the month! \par MAT\tab Yeah biffy babe. We should have 'Freak of the Week'. \par LIZ\tab I think that would be great. It's a new fea--... yeah, you know come on listeners so we've been going for 50 shows, four years, so what have we had in the last four years amazing things. What about the next four if we do... \par MAT\tab Yeah let's have some suggestions. \par LIZ\tab ... you know we're here in four years. \par MAT\tab What games can we play? \par LIZ\tab What games, what fun? \par MAT\tab What features? \par LIZ\tab What interviews would you like to hear? What features that we've not done so far? But yeah we're quite fancying [singing] Freak of the Week! Aaghh! \par MAT\tab Aaghh! \par LIZ\tab That's one of them. \par MAT\tab It's nice, it's catchy. \par LIZ\tab You, Mat, what do you want to see? \par MAT\tab What do I want to see? I want to see 'Guess the object with audio description'. That was a stone dead ((0:45:27.2?)) wasn't it bloody hell. \par LIZ\tab Okay. So if anyone things that's a good do write in. \par MAT\tab What else, what else? I love reminiscing. \par LIZ\tab What else? \par MAT\tab Let's have another cup of coffee and reminisce some more. \par LIZ\tab Do you know one of my most incredibly famous and preferred moments \endash do you like that? \par MAT\tab Incredibly famous and preferred moment was? \par LIZ\tab I don't know what that means. But was when I co-presented the show with Gary O'Donoghue right? \par MAT\tab Of course. Big shout out to {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Gary{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par LIZ\tab {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Gary{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} wow! And he just was... \par MAT\tab He's so intelligent. \par LIZ\tab We were just... oh amazing he's a political correspondent for the 麻豆社 like I felt all quite intimidated you know... \par MAT\tab Yeah. \par LIZ\tab I felt quite serious because I think it was. \par MAT\tab Well he's got a proper job. \par LIZ\tab It was, he has I mean he's an amazing journalist. And he just starts to talk about how a friend of his had just died, another blind person... \par MAT\tab Oh God. \par LIZ\tab ... who had fallen off the platform. \par MAT\tab Yes that's right. \par LIZ\tab A railway platform. And he just said it so matter of fact... \par MAT\tab And we were so shocked weren't we? \par LIZ\tab Yes. And he was like "This happens, this is normal." \par MAT\tab This is blind reality. \par LIZ\tab This is blind reality. And it was, you could just feel the ten--... you know everyone in... \par MAT\tab That's right and he went, "Oh no most blind people who live around {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}London{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} will know somebody or have themselves fallen off the platform at one point in their life or another." What? Wow! \par LIZ\tab And that's what I like... okay so that's what I love about Ouch I think it's that we can laugh at stuff that we laugh about and that nobod y else laughs about in the media. But also you hear stuff, you hear untold stories and things that you ne--... where else are you going to hear that revealed. \par [Jingle: You're listening to the Ouch Talk Show] \par [Jingle: Now it's time for Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable] \par MAT\tab Ah the dulcet tones of Mr Clarke there. We have done about 45 of these. It's the monthly disability game that people still line up to play and Liz is going to tell you how it works. \par LIZ\tab Well we get people on the phone, we try to guess what's wrong with them without being too insulting, they usually win and we end up resenting them. Yes I think that's how it goes. \par MAT\tab Yeah I reckon. On the line this month we have Brian. Hello Brian. \par BRIAN\tab Good after evening. Whatever time it is in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}London{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose}. \par LIZ\tab Brian, we tried to get you on the phone a few minutes ago and you were at the chemist. \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab So you really are disabled aren't you? \par BRIAN\tab Well it's... don't be telling anybody... \par MAT\tab Yeah you almost got him there. \par LIZ\tab What is wrong with you then, Sir? No, no, no. \par BRIAN\tab I'm not supposed to tell you. \par MAT\tab No good. But at least you know. Now listen obviously when we're chatting with you now, be careful not to give anything away. But what I want to know the burning question is who do you fancy more \endash Sophie Dahl or Tanni Grey-Thompson? If you had to. \par LIZ\tab One's a good cook. \par BRIAN\tab Sophie Dahl. \par MAT\tab One's fast. \par BRIAN\tab And mine is only about three years younger. \par MAT\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Only three. \par BRIAN\tab Oh wait a minute I think I should have put a nought in front of that... after it should I say. \par LIZ\tab But you know Tanni has got big hands. I'm just saying. \par MAT\tab Oh moving on, moving on. \par BRIAN\tab ((0:48:25.6?)) what? \par MAT\tab Yes. Sorry let's perhaps move on to who are you going to vote for in the election? \par BRIAN\tab The only guy ever I voted for is dead now unfortunately. \par MAT\tab That always helps I find. \par LIZ\tab I hope the two aren't related? \par BRIAN\tab I'll probably still vote for him. You know that guy that wore the big top hat and was as mad as a March hare? \par MAT\tab Oh the Monster Raving Loony Party. \par BRIAN\tab Yeah, yeah nice guy that. I could relate}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 to him very well. (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) \par MAT\tab Shall we get on with the game then? \par LIZ\tab Oh go for it. \par BRIAN\tab Oh all right then. \par MAT\tab All right then. So Vegetable, Vegetable or Ve getable is a clever disability interpretation of the parlour game Animal, Vegetable or Mineral. In the game the two hosts of the Ouch Talk Show have 90 seconds to guess what is wrong with the disabled caller on the line by asking a series of fiendishly in telligent questions. The caller must only answer \lquote yes\rquote or \lquote no\rquote it is both classit \endash aaghh it is both ha, ha. \par LIZ\tab It's what, it's what Mat? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 MAT\tab (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) \par LIZ\tab After 45 times it's both what? \par MAT\tab 45 times later I'm here to tell you that it is both classic and therapeutic. \par LIZ\tab To take part in this intrusive and unpleasant game the rules clearly state you have to be disabled. Brian, are you disabled? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Really? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Just checking. Okay. Ninety seconds on the clock your time starts NOW. \par MAT\tab Can you walk? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Do you use a wheelchair even though you can walk? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par MAT\tab Can you see? \par BRIAN\tab [drawn out] Yeesss. \par LIZ\tab It's only 90 seconds. \par MAT\tab Hold on he was uncertain. Have you got a slight visual impairment? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Do you use a white cane? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you have a guide dog? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you have an assistance dog? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you have an assistance monkey? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Do you get disability benefits? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Are you off work because you're disabled? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par LIZ\tab Can you use your hands? \par BRIAN\tab Pardon? \par LIZ\tab Can you use your hands? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Oh no. Have you got hands? \par MAT\tab Yeah have you got... \par BRIAN\tab Y}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 es, yes, yes sorry (inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 ) sorry I misinterpreted your question. \par MAT\tab Okay so you've got hands that you can't use? \par BRIAN\tab Er, not true, no I can use them. \par LIZ\tab God. \par MAT \tab It's getting confusing. \par LIZ\tab Your hearing's all right? \par MAT\tab Have you got any psychiatric situations? \par LIZ\tab He didn't answer, he didn't answer the hearing one. \par MAT\tab Oh sorry. Hearing? Hearing? \par LIZ\tab Don't shout. \par MAT\tab Well he might not be able to hear. \par BRIAN\tab Okay hearing. I can't say yes or no. \par MAT\tab Are you a mental health survivor of the system? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab If we looked at you now would we know that you were disabled? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par MAT\tab Did your mother try to smother you at birth? \par BRIAN\tab Yes. \par MAT\tab I like this guy. \par LIZ\tab Have you got psoriasis? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Epilepsy? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par MAT\tab Muscular Dystrophy? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab MS? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par MAT\tab Cerebral Palsy? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Hydrocephalus? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Parkinson's? \par MAT\tab Are you a dwarf? \par BRIAN\tab No. \par LIZ\tab Oh man! I thought we were really good today. \par MAT\tab We've run out of time. \par LIZ\tab We've run out of time. \par MAT\tab We've run out of time. \par LIZ\tab Our questioning was... ah. \par MAT\tab Okay. So Brian come on put us out of our misery. \par BRIAN\tab I've an in-growing toenail. \par MAT\tab No. \par LIZ\tab No! \par BRIAN\tab I'm joking. \par LIZ\tab I feel cheated. \par BRIAN\tab No I've actually got a brain aneurysm. \par MAT\tab Wow! They can be really serious. \par BRIAN\tab I've got to go in and get it removed. On the sight question it does... it did cause me double vision. It's always caused me double vision a little bit. \par LIZ\tab So you've had it, you've had that treated but you're still experiencing the effects of it all? \par BRIAN\tab No I'm going in, funnily, believe it or not, I just got, in this morning's post, I just got an invitation to come in to tell me... I went for the, you know this thing they put the dye into your head, into your blo od and then they take... angiogram that's the word I'm looking for. \par MAT\tab Yes I've heard of that. \par LIZ\tab Oh I've heard of them. \par BRIAN\tab So I've got to go in now they've found the results of that, so I've got to go in now to find out whether they are going to sort of open my head up and dig this thing out or whether they fill it full of platinum wire or something like that. \par LIZ\tab So when people find out you've got a brain aneurysm what questions do they ask? \par BRIAN\tab Well a lot of people say, "What is it?" which is almost even the doctor told me is the first question I asked. And apparently to refer it back to... like the old inner tube of a bicycle, if you picture the inside tube of a bicycle. \par MAT\tab Picturing it right now. \par LIZ\tab Yeah. \par BRIAN\tab And that is an artery in your body. \par MAT\tab Okay. \par BRIAN\tab And if you get a weakness in that on the side wall of that, if you could picture it sort of ballooning out a little bit, like a little bubble on the side... \par MAT\tab Like they do yeah. \par BRIAN\tab Well that's exactly what an aneurysm is. A lot of people have them in their heart and one thing or another. I happen to be too smart so I got mine in my brain. \par LIZ\tab It's been lovely talking to you. We only have an hour's show. But look good luck, very good luck. \par BRIAN\tab Thanks a lot it's really been a pleasure. \par MAT\tab And enjoy your next trip to the chemist. \par BRIAN\tab Thanks. \par LIZ\tab You've been a blast. Thank you. \par MAT\tab Yeah thanks so much, Brian. Bye bye. \par BRIAN\tab Take care. Bye bye. \par LIZ\tab So if you do, listeners, want to be the next contestant on Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable then email us now. It's ouch@bbc.co.uk. Why should they do it Mat? \par MAT\tab Because they're getting a load of whole... the whole load of new merchandise in soon including \endash are you ready for this? \par LIZ\tab I'm ready. \par MAT\tab Some commuter mugs. \par LIZ\tab I heard as well not just commuter mugs, you know, when you get your freedom pass with your little card thing... \par MAT\tab Oh yeah the holder. \par LIZ\tab ... for free transport. \par MAT\tab The holder. \par LIZ\tab The holder \endash Ouch holders. \par MAT\tab An Ouch holder? \par LIZ\tab Just saying. \par MAT\tab Because I really want one. I've got a (}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 inaudible}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 )) 'Some People are Gay \endash Get Over It' one. \par LIZ\tab Nice. \par MAT\tab In support of my gay brothers and sisters which is nice. But I really want a crippy one. \par [Jingle: 麻豆社.co.uk/ouch] \par LIZ\tab So that's it, it's the end of the 50th Talk Show. \par MAT\tab [Explosion noise] \par LIZ\tab That was a big party popper. Where do we go from here? Another 50? \par MAT\tab Yes please. \par LIZ\tab Yeah, yeah? Well hopefully. Thanks this month to the team Damon Rose, Zoe Breen and Emma Tracey. The studio manager was Drew Lecky and we'll be back next month. Now do pop in and see us at our stand at Naidex exhibition in {\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}{\*\xmlopen\xmlns2{\factoidname place}}Birmingham{\*\xmlclose}{\*\xmlclose} between the 20th and 22nd of April. \par MAT\tab And we're joined again once more by }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 , our Fully Sick Rapper, deep in quarantine in a hospital bed somewhere in Sydney. Hi, mate you still there? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah still here, still alive. \par MAT\tab Hoorah! \par LIZ\tab Hoorar! \par MAT\tab All right. We're going to play out with your track. Christia}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 a}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 n, you wrote and performed this in your quarantine room. Tell us quickly about the making of it? \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid262510 CHRISTIAAN}{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid11697720\charrsid6166329 \tab Yeah it's called Germophobe and it's based around the paranoia that I've been getting of all the bacteria that are living here in my room. The more and more the doctors come in here a nd the more and more I hear from the nurses about all the crazy bacterias that are found in hospitals the more and more I think they're coming for me. So this track's sort of my little tribute to those bugs and the killing of them. \par LIZ\tab Well here's the song 'I'm a Germophone'. Until next month everyone bye. \par MAT\tab Bye bye. \par LIZ\tab Bye bye. \par \tab [Playing music] \par \par }{\rtlch\fcs1 \af2 \ltrch\fcs0 \insrsid6166329 \par }}