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This is the full transcript of Ouch – the cabin fever Isolation Diaries podcast as broadcast on 29th January 2021 and presented by Kate Monaghan.

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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HOLLY - It looks like one of those pregnancy tests.

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KATE - Give yourself 30 minutes from start to finish?

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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HOLLY - What?

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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HOLLY - Go and take this somewhere else. I don’t want your blood everywhere.

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[Music]

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KATE - Like, this is really unusual for me to just sort of hide in my bedroom for five minutes.

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[Music]

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kate - You’ll feel a little pinch. Ow! [Laughter]

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[Music]

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KATE - Hello and welcome to another episode of Isolation Diaries. I’m Kate Monaghan, and this is my online diary during lockdown 3.0. Now, each week I carry around my recording equipment so that I can tell you all about the events, to put it politely, of lockdown. Sometimes I’m guilty of oversharing, but hey, I’d rather be honest. Now, I’ve got Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is a chronic pain condition affecting all my joints, and endometriosis, which also can be very painful, in my tummy, and I’m isolating with, well a growing brood of family. I’ve been married to my wife, Holly, for the last, nearly ten years now… God, that makes us sound old doesn’t it?

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Now, she previously had a kidney transplant so is in the extremely clinically vulnerable group, which means that we have had to be, like, properly shielding for her for quite a long time now. Holly and I have a four year old daughter called Scout, who we are desperately trying to home school, and failing, and we have a fairly new edition of our daughter, Gracie. We adopted Grace, or Little G, as we often call her, last year and she’s now 20 months old. And if that’s not enough, as of about October last year we’ve had Holly’s brother, Will, and his girlfriend, Louise, living with us, and we have three cats as well.

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Now, like the rest of the nation we are desperate for the vaccine, particularly for Holly, but unfortunately, as you’re about to find out, getting that has not really gone to plan. Those of you who were with us last week will know that unfortunately my amazing grandma Monaghan passed away last week at the grand old age of 91. It wasn’t COVID related, but COVID restrictions did mean that I couldn’t be with her to say goodbye, and it’s robbed me of quality time with her over the past year. So I had a big decision to make: Should I or should I not attend the funeral?

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[Music]

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kate - So I was just talking to Dad… No, don’t play your…

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HOLLY - I wasn’t going to.

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KATE - Your programme. I’m talking to you. ‘America’s Child Brides’? That’s cheery. [Laughter]

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holly - Well, I was watching the disability thing as well. I’m just checking out, you know. It’s good to know what’s on.

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KATE - Yeah. Yeah, I was just talking to Dad about the funeral, Grandma’s funeral.

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holly - Yeah. And what did you say?

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KATE - So I think I’ve made the decision, I’m definitely going to go.

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HOLLY - Hmm-hmm?

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KATE - But I wanted to talk to you about this, because I was thinking about it and, like, this funeral is going to be so weird, because I’m going to have to sit on my own.

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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KATE - Because I’m not in anyone’s bubble or anything.

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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KATE - And it’s going to be really, like, sad obviously.

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HOLLY - Yeah, yeah.

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KATE - And then we’re not allowed to do anything afterwards, so I’m not really allowed to see anyone or talk to anybody or anything.

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HOLLY - So what do you think you’ll do, like, after the funeral? You know, when they say, like, "You can leave now to the music" or whatever, so do you think you’ll… you’ll just kind of do a little wave to everyone?

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KATE - Yeah.

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HOLLY - And just be, like, get in the car.

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KATE - Yeah. Yeah, it’s weird isn’t it?

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HOLLY - Yeah, really weird.

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KATE - And then I’ll have to drive for, like, an hour and a bit on my own, home again.

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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KATE - So what do you think about, like, obviously we’ve got Will and Louise here now who could look after the kids, what would you think about coming with me?

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HOLLY - Yeah, of course. What, and you mean, just not going into the actual…?

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KATE - Go into the funeral. Just wait in the car.

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HOLLY - Yeah, of course. Yeah.

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KATE - You’re saying yeah, of course, but what do you really think?

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HOLLY - I think if you’re really, really not going to go near anyone and you’re masked up and stuff and you’re quite far apart I think it’ll be all right.

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KATE - Well, apparently the crematorium, they, like, enforce it quite strictly.

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HOLLY - Yeah. No, I’m sure they will.

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KATE - They also, like, push you out quite quickly after your time, so they can clean everything again, and then you’re not allowed to, like, congregate and talk to anybody outside, they just sort of say, you know, you have to go.

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HOLLY - Yeah, I’m sure it will be like that. Yeah, but of course I’ll come. I’ll just sit in the car park with a book or something.

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KATE - Do you think it’s risk-less enough? Not risk-less but, like, not risky, as in is it safe?

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HOLLY - Well, everything’s a risk isn’t it? But I don’t think it’s very risky, no.

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KATE - Because I’d be coming home with the same…

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HOLLY - Exactly, that’s the thing.

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KATE - So… Okay, that’s good. That’s made me feel a bit better about it, because when Dad was just explaining about the funeral I started getting upset, so…

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HOLLY - Yeah, I know, I know. It’s really hard. By the way, you need to go and choose your own birthday cake from M&S. [Laughter] Because, I mean, I could bake one but I know you’re a big fan of those chocolate ones aren’t you?

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KATE - Yeah.

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HOLLY - Or a Colin.

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KATE - Everyone loves a Colin.

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HOLLY - So I can bake you one. Decide whether you want one baked or… Or we could ask Louise to bake those cinnamon buns?

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kate - No, that’s your favourite thing, not mine.

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HOLLY - Oh, damn. I was just going to stick a candle in it. [Laughter]

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[Music]

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KATE - If you found yourself in a similar position to me, having to debate if you should attend a funeral during lockdown then please feel free to get in touch. Maybe you found it to be the right decision and you want to pass on some advice. I mean, I really could do with that right now, or maybe it just wasn’t worth it. Your story is equally as important. If you email my producer, Amy, at

amy.elizabeth@bbc.co.uk I’m always very happy to hear your thoughts.

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[Music]

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kate - Hey.

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HOLLY - Oh, thanks.

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KATE - Cup of tea for you.

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HOLLY - Did you see my email from the doctor’s I forwarded you?

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KATE - No?

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HOLLY - Well, you know I said I was going to email them and just see when I could get…? Well, I emailed them and I was just, like, reminding them that I wanted a vaccine road basically, and then I just got a reply back saying, "I have added you to the waiting list for shielded patients."

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KATE - What?

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HOLLY - I know. I wasn’t even on the list.

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KATE - You’re kidding.

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HOLLY - No. I mean, luckily I emailed them yesterday.

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KATE - Why weren’t you on the list?

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holly - I don’t know. I think… Well, you know what I always say about, well I bloody love the NHS but you do have to advocate for yourself and you do sometimes have to push them to get what you want.

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KATE - Yeah.

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HOLLY - So they’re saying, "We will contact you in due course as we get little notification as to when we’re getting deliveries." So hopefully I’ll get a text from them. I think it’s more likely, from what I’ve read on the Kidney UK Facebook group, people are getting them from their GPs. If you’re on dialysis it seems that people are getting them, you know, when they go in for their treatment they’re just vaccinated on the machine, but it seems that transplant patients are getting them from their GPs. Anyway, I’ll happily skip up there if they send me a text. Every time my phone beeps now with a text I’m, like, oh what is it? And… It’s usually something really boring.

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[Music]

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HOLLY - Oh, I just got another one of those texts that comes from the government.

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KATE - Do you want a fake bacon, by the way, sandwich?

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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kate - Okay.

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HOLLY - Here’s an avocado.

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KATE - Do you want bacon and avocado? Is that what you’re telling me?

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HOLLY - Yeah, and some tomatoes. Yeah, I just got another one of those texts that come from, like, not a real number. I got really excited and it was just saying, "Just checking you’re shielding. Is everything all right?"

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KATE - Oh, was it another, "Stay at home, stay at home"?

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HOLLY - Yeah. It was from the council. They’re pretty good at checking in with me, but…

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kate - What did it say?

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HOLLY - It just says, "Call this number if you need help with shopping," and stuff.

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KATE - That’s nice.

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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KATE - I mean, it’s really annoying but it’s not.

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HOLLY - I know.

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KATE - There’s so many people now getting their…

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HOLLY - Yeah, maybe soon.

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KATE - Like, who are vulnerable who are getting their vaccine, which I’m obviously delighted for them, but also frustrated for us.

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HOLLY - It’s given me really weird… What’s the opposite of, like, déjà vu? Like, I want to say PTSD, but I know it’s…

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KATE - It’s not as bad as that.

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HOLLY - It’s not as bad as that, but it’s giving me the feels of when I was waiting for a kidney transplant.

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KATE - Oh, really?

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HOLLY - Yeah. Because I’d be constantly looking at my phone or any kind of number that I didn’t recognise or… Well, any London number really, because that’s the hospitals in London. I’d be, like, "Hello?" But obviously that came in waves because I was waiting for a kidney for five years, so it wasn’t like I was…

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KATE - Oh God, I hope it won’t…

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HOLLY - No but, you know, some weeks I’d be, like, yeah, got a good feeling about this week, going to get the call and then I’d be all anxious and stuff. No, I never got… Well actually I did get the call, but it didn’t go through and then a kind friend stepped up and gave me his kidney, but that’s a whole another story.

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KATE - Yeah. Do you want tomatoes?

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HOLLY - Yeah, I think so.

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KATE - How do you want them chopped?

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HOLLY - Erm…

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KATE - It’s good service you’re getting.

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HOLLY - I know. This is really rare by the way. Kate does no cooking. Ever.

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KATE - I put that down to my disability.

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HOLLY - Just thinly sliced.

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KATe - I can’t thinly slice anything.

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HOLLY - Well, you’re using a blunt knife. But yeah, so it’s given me all the weird feels and I just… I just don’t like it, I feel a bit anxious and it’s stupid because…

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KATE - Well it’s not stupid.

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HOLLY - Well it is, because it will happen, it’s not like… I don’t know, but I’ve got one of those good feelings about this week.

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kate - Only it’s not going to happen this week.

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HOLLY - Oh, don’t say that.

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KATE - I know, but I don’t want you to be disappointed. I think our doctors are, like, two weeks behind everything else. That’s what I was told the other day. So if they’re two weeks behind that means it’s not this week, it’s not next week, maybe the week after?

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HOLLY - But the thing is, I still could get a call from London, so in my hospital in London, which I’ve stuck with despite moving up north because they’re absolutely amazing…

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KATE - Do you want this?

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HOLLY - Yeah, a little bit. And salt and pepper as well. Making the most of getting my lunch made which never really happens. Yeah, so they’ve got a vaccination centre at the hospital and quite a few of my kind of kidney friends, people I know from clinic and stuff, they’ve just got a random text, like, saying come down tomorrow. And that would be really interesting…

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KATE - To the Hammersmith?

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HOLLY - Yeah, actual Hammersmith. Or the Excel Centre, which is…

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KATE - I was going to say, I’m sure I’ve seen people going to the Excel.

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HOLLY - But the Hammersmith one only opened a few days ago, because lots of…

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KATE - Well, why don’t you email them and say…?

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HOLLY - Yeah, I suppose so. Okay, I will email them and let them know.

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KATE - And then it will be another two weeks to get, like, immunity up.

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HOLLY - That would be quite the deal if we got a text. We’d have to drive down to London, obviously we can’t get the train, basically not stopping anywhere.

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KATE - Yeah, we couldn’t stop anywhere.

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HOLLY - Get the vaccination, get back in the car…

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KATE - And come straight home.

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HOLLY - Not see anyone, which would be really hard, because my mum lives in London. I couldn’t even do a drive by. But, you know, I’m up for an adventure.

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kate - Well, let’s not count our chickens. They might say, "No, you have to do it in your GPs."

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HOLLY - They’ve got a way of doing it, clearly. I don’t know what that way is.

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KATE - No.

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HOLLY - Like, whether it’s, like, age, because I’d be right down at the bottom, or is it, like, surname? Right up at the top. [Laughter] First name, right in the middle. I don’t know. Anyway, that’s a really good idea, I’m going to email them. Okay, that’s this afternoon’s job sorted. I’m going to eat my sandwich. That looks amazing, Kate.

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KATE - Thanks, babes.

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HOLLY - Yeah, really good.

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KATE - I’d say I’d do it more often, but that’s not going to happen, so…

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[Music]

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KATE - I’m in so much pain. I’ve got such a bad headache. I get these headaches which are, like, from my shoulders and they’re sort of referred pain, they just go up to my head. Oh, they’re so bad. And oh, it’s just because I was just lifting the kids. It’s just so bad for my shoulders. And I hate it so much because everyone says, "Don’t lift them, don’t lift them," but that’s just not an option. Like, I don’t have to lift Scout very much anymore, because she is a total heffalump, because she’s, like, four and a half. I just can’t do it and she understands that, but Little G doesn’t. She’s nearly two, she’s 21 months now and she wants to be held all the time, which is a big attachment thing for kids who have been adopted, that they do want to be held

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And you need to hold them, you need to hold them a lot to help the attachment and the bond grow and all of this stuff. So not holding her is sort of not really an option. Plus she absolutely goes mental if you try and put her down when she’s not ready. But the result of it is this for me, and I hate it so much. And then I just have to try and fight through it for the kids, to try and keep going and make sure they’re okay on the countdown to bedtime. And then once they’re in bed I can collapse but I just can’t, like, this is really unusual for me to just sort of hide in my bedroom for five minutes. I’m just waiting for the painkillers to try and kick in. It’s just so bad. And I feel really guilty about coming away from the family in order to just be in pain, because it means Holly’s left with the kids, which is, you know, she’s fine with obviously, but also she needs her space as well. It’s just really hard. It’s just like this whole lockdown thing is so hard.

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[Music]

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KATE - Right, Gracie is sleeping, napping. And Scout is in her tent watching the iPad and eating her lunch and you are lying on the bed. What are you doing?

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HOLLY - I think I’ve got a little tiny bug or something. I’m just tired. I’m just feeling a bit, like, meh, you know.

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KATE - Are you sure it’s not… Lockdown.

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HOLLY - Oh no.

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kate - I know it’s not COVID, I’m wondering if it’s lockdown malaise.

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HOLLY - Oh, right Lockdown blues. Yeah, definitely I think. But I’m going to go and pick up the shopping in a minute. But I’ve got some clothes to take back. And I’ll be all right if I just, like, pop in, you know?

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KATE - Pop in where?

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HOLLY - Sainsbury’s, just to take them back.

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KATE - Are you kidding?

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HOLLY - I need to see something new.

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KATE - You can’t go inside somewhere.

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holly - I know, I just… Like, a wonder round the home and clothes area would just, like, perk me up a bit I think. I’m just feeling a bit, like, oh…

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kate - I just don’t think it’s worth the risk.

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HOLLY - No, I know.

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kate - Do you know?

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holly - Well, you’re the one who was talking about wanting to go and give blood today?

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KATE - Well yeah, because I thought it might be safe to go and give blood.

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HOLLY - No.

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KATE - Surely that’s safer than popping into Sainsbury’s.

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HOLLY - I don’t think so. You know, you’d have to get really close to somebody to put a needle in their arm.

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KATE - But they’d be in full PPE.

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HOLLY - Yeah, still?

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KATE - That’s true. Well, I’m not going to do it, I just feel helpless and thought it could be one thing I could do.

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HOLLY - Oh, I know. I know. Yeah, I’m just fed up of being in the house, and the house is a mess, and it’s just, like, I’m constantly picking up stuff and cleaning and it just is messy two minutes later. I mean, it’s the story of everyone’s life isn’t it at the moment with kids?

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KATE - Yeah. Do you remember when you could tidy up and then go out for the day and then come home and it would all be tidy still?

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HOLLY - Not really.

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[Music]

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SCOUT - What’s Mumma doing?

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KATE - Well, I’ve just got a test just through from the research place to see whether I’ve got antibodies to the virus. So I’m just going to do this test.

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HOLLY - Antibodies, Scout, I think protect you from the virus. So some people have antibodies to protect themselves and they can’t get the virus. So Mumma’s just checking.

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KATE - It’s just for research, yeah? It’s almost certainly not going to have them because we haven’t come into…

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HOLLY - She’s helping with the test. She’s helping doctors basically.

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KATE - We’re just helping the scientists who are learning about it.

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HOLLY - What is that?

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KATE - This is the instructions.

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HOLLY - What do you have to do?

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KATE - I don’t know.

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HOLLY - It looks completely different from the one I did, like, six months ago.

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KATE - Yeah, it does. It looks more like a pregnancy test.

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HOLLY - And what’s that?

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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holly - It looks like one of those pregnancy tests.

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KATE - Give yourself 30 minutes from start to finish?

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HOLLY - What?

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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HOLLY - Go and take this somewhere else. I don’t want your blood everywhere.

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KATE - Right, so I have to wipe with an alcohol wipe, prick my finger with a lancet.

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HOLLY - Well why don’t you do this later when you’re watching TV or something?

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KATE - Squeeze it. No, I want to do it now.

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HOLLY - No, now’s not the time…

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KATE - Then look, you just put a tiny bit of blood on there.

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HOLLY - Hmm-hmm?

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KATE - And then you put your liquid in there, and then you wait ten minutes and then it tells you.

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HOLLY - I thought it just said half an hour from start to finish.

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KATE - Well, that’s if you’re a dingbat isn’t it? And then you upload it onto the science website. This is called a lancet.

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HOLLY - We’ve got one child that’s just woken up and the other that needs constant entertainment.

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KATE - No, so that’s fine, she’s playing with her thing. And then I can just do this finger prick bit when I… Right, choose a good spot on the fleshy bit or side of one finger. Fleshy. Lancet.

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SCOUT - Mummy, will you help me?

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HOLLY - Hang on, Scout. I just need to do some important work.

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KATE - To draw blood press the uncapped end of the lancet firmly… You’ll feel a little pinch. Ow! [Laughter] Oh, and that’s it.

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HOLLY - Such a baby.

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KATE - I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. Right, then we do…

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SCOUT - Will you play with me, Mumma?

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KATE - Yeah, one minute, I’m just doing my little test.

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SCOUT - Mummy?

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HOLLY - Hmm-hmm?

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SCOUT - Will you play with me?

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HOLLY - Yeah, of course I will.

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KATE - Do you think that’s enough blood?

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HOLLY - Yeah.

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KATE - Do you think?

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HOLLY - Yeah. Yeah, you’ve covered it.

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KATE - Okay. Drop liquid here. Two drops. And you wait ten minutes.

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SCOUT - Oh, a baby turtle!

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HOLLY - Oh, I love the baby turtle. It’s so cute isn’t it?

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KATE - Right, I’m just putting a plaster on my finger. Okay, so it says, antibodies are made by the immune system to fight infection. The test looks for two types of antibodies, IGM and IGG. By looking for antibodies in your blood we can understand whether someone has previously been infected with the virus that causes COVID. There are no lines coming up on my test.

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HOLLY - [Sighs]

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kate - Yeah, this is not showing anything up, so…

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HOLLY - Do you want to send it back then?

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KATE - A bit disappointed.

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HOLLY - Okay…

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KATE - I know, but it’s like that slight thing in the back of your head where you think, oh, maybe I am immune and everything will be okay. But I’m not and this proves it. Dang it. Anyway, I’ll upload this to University College, London now. They can make of this what they need to. It feels good to help science in some way though doesn’t it?

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[Music]

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KATE - So we wait with bated breath for news that Holly has a slot for the vaccine and when she does you guys will be the first to know. Actually, I think Holly’s mum and my mum will probably be the first to know, but you guys will be a very close second. Plus, Boris has announced schools won’t be going back till at least 8th March. Argh! Meaning more home school for us. We are all getting just a bit more than frazzled now aren’t we? But we are celebrating my birthday this weekend, so I’ll let you know how that goes, and another thing that’s getting me through this all is hearing from you lovely lot.

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So if you want to put a question to me, or just let me how lockdown is going for you, especially if it’s going badly, because somehow that helps. Please email my producer Amy, at

amy.elizabeth@bbc.uk.uk. You can also hear lots of brilliantly informative and entertaining podcasts if you subscribe to Ouch on Â鶹Éç Sounds, including one that dropped just this week with Katie Price and Harvey after their exceptional Â鶹Éç One documentary, ‘Harvey and Me’, which if you missed it is still available on iPlayer and should be a must watch for everyone. Honestly, it’s brilliant.

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