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Guide Entry: Planet Earth
by Katie Jarvis
Originally thought mostly harmless, the people of earth are now known to be completely harmless – except to each other. Various life-forms have considered destroying mankind, but the indigenous peoples are doing the job so well themselves, these aliens left, depressed by the lack of challenge.
Earthlings are divided into two categories: those with no food, and those with so much they become cuboid and unable to move. The cubes spend their time inventing devices to do their work for them, then spend their days – and money – trying to counteract the mind-numbing lethargy that ensues from this idleness.
So impressed are earthlings with the beauty of their planet, they’ve created various modes of transport to enable them to visit every picturesque corner. Thus they travel to rainforests, where they cut down the trees to create paper for travel documents; to fauna-rich swamps, which they drain in the hope of finding new fuel sources for their vehicles; and to flower-filled meadows, ideal for motorways to allow them to return to where the rainforests once were.
Two forms of government are favoured: dictatorship, where the leader rides roughshod over the people; and democracy, where the leader asks the people if they’d mind first, before riding roughshod over them.
They have countless religions, though it’s considered kinder not to let them know they were created as a Yr 13 project by a student of the Universal Vocational Skills College, now sited on Stultus B. He failed.
Aliens’ favourite joke: What would you get if you crossed mankind with an intelligent life-form? Answer: an intelligent life-form.
Conclusion: mostly stupid.
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