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Guide Entry: Planet Earth
by Tim Cross
Ford Prefect reporting:
Imagine the universe as a giant painting. The artist, hangover heavy from umpteen Ol鈥 Janx Spirit鈥檚 the night before, probably decided Earth wasn鈥檛 up to much and stuck it out on the edge hoping it would be covered by the frame. Visiting Earth is like buying an unlimited travel train ticket. You rush to the furthest point away, only to find there鈥檚 nothing to do and it鈥檚 a phenomenally long time before there鈥檚 any means of travelling back. Most people end up writing novels to pass the time.
Interstellar criminals safely retire here, working as train drivers, escaping capture because they鈥檙e never where the timetables say they should be and the galactic police are only interested if you鈥檙e in the frame, not hiding underneath it.
Earth is unique in that the more extraordinarily stupid and silly you are, the more successful you become. Even the Ravenous Bug Blatter Beast of Traal鈥檚 too clever to prosper, so if you鈥檙e an intelligent life form, expect countless rejection letters.
A Good Pub Guide is published, but drink through the alphabet and you won鈥檛 find a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster; though the Galactic Council鈥檚 decree: pubs Must be Open Every Second (MOES) is enthusiastically observed by Themyellahbughers, a race popping up throughout the galaxy like Zagtamagalitatanicarzarly Thistle Weed.
Of other literature, 鈥淎 Brief History of Time鈥 is really very funny indeed, and 鈥淟ord of the Rings鈥 is the only other book anyone ever mentions.
But don鈥檛 throw in your towel!
Louis Armstrong sings Earth鈥檚 praises in 鈥淲hat a Wonderful World鈥 and yes, strangely, it is.
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