Prompted by recent stories on Home Truths about bullying, Mark - that’s not his real name - contacted us to tell us about his story of physical abuse. Mark is 6 foot and weighs 15 stone; his former partner, Susan - not her real name - was 5 foot 3 and a mere 8 stone - but it was Susan who violently attacked Mark…
When Mark first met his partner, the attraction was immediate. At first everything went well, "There were no clues about what was to come. We had a fantastic time - I was taking a break from work, and it was nice to have someone to share time - we really got on well together." Mark found another job, bought a flat and he and Susan, a student at the time, moved in together fairly quickly. The bullying began soon after.
Mark worked in a creative job; his hours were rarely 9 - 5. Susan was a college twice a week, but outside that spent a goo deal of time at the flat. Both Mark and Susan had their own friends and social life. "She was a very possessive person - the bullying began with silly things - she’d say "You can’t be late home from work - you’re meeting other people - you’re going to sleep with other people... At first it was holding onto me, or grabbing me, then it turned into hits and scratches and biting - mainly aimed at my arms or body. I was petrified at times, not because I thought my life was in danger, but because the situation was so alien to me and I didn’t know how to deal with it."
The violent attacks were never premeditated; they appeared to come from an explosion of anger fuelled by imagined jealousy. Mark, as a big man, was anxious not lose his temper and hit Susan back, "I didn’t want to hurt her! I knew if I lost my temper to that degree I could do her some serious damage, so I always tried to get out of the situation before that point was reached. The only way I retaliated was to hang onto her, to hold her close to me so she couldn’t hit me or bite me - it was a restraining cuddle."
The violent outbursts were deeply upsetting for both Mark and Susan. "I couldn’t understand what was going on. I used to say to her ‘Can’t you understand I’m with you, I don’t want anybody else, but I have to do other things - understand that - and stop hurting me." After the violent outbursts, Susan would be contrite, concerned about how badly she’d hurt Mark.
At work, friends began to notice that Mark was withdrawn, and how he often wore long sleeves and high collars to cover bites and scratches. Mark always thought the situation would get better, "I believed that the more I committed myself to her, the more I could reassure her that I didn’t want anybody else - and that she would stop doing these things to me."
Mark knows that he could have left the relationship at any point. He felt that Susan’s family wwould be very supporting and loving to her - so what kept him there? "I wanted to be there for Susan, I wanted to support her whilst she was going through these things."
Friends at work were very supportive, comforting Mark when he eventually showed them the injuries on his arms, but they knew that the decision to leave had to come from him. Eventually mark realised that he'd stayed in this abusive relationship far too long, and arranged to stay with his parents for a couple of days as Susan moved her things out of their flat.
Susan didn’t want to let the relationship go, but Mark remained firm, and refused to have further contact. "I was a mess after the relationship ended. I had no confidence, I didn’t know who I was …" Mark has still to try another relationship, but meanwhile feels that he has been strengthened by the experience, "Friends tell me what a huge difference they see in me now compared to 18 months ago. I enjoy what I do, the people I see, I don’t feel the need for a partner - to always have someone else by my side. I’ve learnt how to treat people and how other people treat me."
