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Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo
Favourite
book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition
Favourite
foods – Pickled Eggs
Favourite
film – Late For Dinner
Favourite colour – The delicate cyan of the dinnertime sky in
Moreton Say.
Favourite British County – Shropshire
Favourite Place – Moreton Say
Favourite Postal Code Area – TF9
Favourite radio
frequency - 96FM
Favourite sound – The gentle breeze rustling through the leafy
glades of Moreton Say
Favourite Clive – Clive of India
Favourite
band – *(shameless plug)
Biggest
inspiration –
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Is
Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our
- and see what other people
are saying about him.
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IÂ’ve
just arrived in the city of Perth, Western Australia. ItÂ’s very
nice. ItÂ’s no Telford, but itÂ’s very nice.
A message
left for me by ‘M’ said about Perth -
"You will also be glad to find the biggest bingo hall in the
Southern Hemisphere there, aptly called 'Biggest Bingo'.
IÂ’ve
already asked a few people if they know where "Biggest Bingo",
the Southern Hemispheres largest Bingo emporium is. No one seems to
know.
I am spending today trying to meet the people of Perth and get a feel
for their wants and needs. Each place I visit has a distinct personality.
So far most of the places I have travelled outside Shropshire seem
to have dysfunctional personalities. Except possibly for Tuscaloosa,
who was just a bit confused.
Where
Ludlow might strike you as an old gentleman with a face worn by
hardship and happiness, Perth seems to me more like a young man
just out of his teens, full of half-realised opportunities, wary
of over-stretching himself, possibly a Mark 3 Ford Capri driver,
with short blonde hair, one of those thin little goatee beards like
Beppe di Marco in Eastenders and a slight squint in the left eye.
IÂ’ve
booked into a hotel and I am now going down to a place called Barrack
Square that is apparently a good place to meet people. The square
is square shaped, with a group of palm trees near the middle where
people congregate.
I got
talking to a group of students that were on some sort of field trip.
Bizarrely, it seems that the schools here donÂ’t teach very
much at all about Shropshire, instead they concentrate their time
on Australian history and culture. I asked them if they knew where
Biggest Bingo was, they didnÂ’t. Very disappointing.
I also
met a young lady called Susan today who looked just like Mother
Teresa, only younger and without the tea towel. Susan works in the
noble profession of obtaining, maintaining and distributing office
consumables. We talked paperclips and laser printer toner cartridges
for the best part of the day and I could feel a real connection
between us, I asked her if she wanted to leave her life as an office
supplies operative and embark on a journey of self-discovery and
Shropshire related promotion activities.
She
said "no".
I understood her reaction. The sweet and heady allure of the paperclip
order-form can be a difficult mistress to forsake. I left her with
directions to Moreton Say in case she changes her mind.
Meeting
Susan made me think of my previous life in Mr MagsonÂ’s department.
Not once have I regretted quitting my job and devoting my life to
enriching the world, but IÂ’d be lying if I said I didnÂ’t
occasionally miss that rush of blood to the head you get when the
new quarterly stationary catalogue is delivered.
Walked around Perth. No sign of Biggest Bingo anywhere. I
found the beach, miles of golden sands and clear blue sea, but not
one donkey ride or stick of rock.
Toby rang me, he sounded very happy. Apparently his relationship with
Sophia, my old next-door neighbour and object of my admiration, has
blossomed over the past few weeks and they are getting engaged.
I think
Toby looks up to me as a mentor and guide, so I naturally warned
him about the dangers of rushing into these things. It was while
I was warning him that he dropped another bombshell.
Sophia
is pregnant.
IÂ’m
not quite sure how this all happened, but Toby seems quite convinced
it is his child she carries. I lived next door to Sophia for decades
and the most contact I ever had was cleaning leaves out of her gutters
while she was out. Toby only met her a few weeks ago and not only
has he impregnated Sophia, apparently he fitted a new downpipe last
week too.
IÂ’m
very happy for them both.
I donÂ’t feel like IÂ’ve been having the impact in Perth that
I should be having.
I need to get peopleÂ’s attention and make them realise that they
are wasting their time in the blazing Australian sunshine when they
could be shopping at the Market Drayton village hall, visiting the
many places of historical interest or walking the gentle slopes of
ShropshireÂ’s fine countryside.
IÂ’m thinking IÂ’m going to stage a Salopian event.
I just canÂ’t decide what sort of event.
I met a man today who spends part of his year organising whistle stop
tours of Britain.
The sort of tour where they cram 64 American Tourists into a coach
and spend a week driving around Britain at the end of which they think
they have "seen" Great Britain.
They stop at notable locations, bundle them out of the coach for a
half-hour look round and then move on to the next location.
I think I eventually convinced him that all real British achievement
stems in one way or another from Shropshire.
After several hours of persuading and a few hundred dollars he agreed
to stop wasting all that time at ShakespeareÂ’s House and Tower
Bridge and spend seven days camped at Ironbridge instead.
Another triumph for common sense.
IÂ’ve decided on an event to stage here. It will shatter the public
consciousness and awaken the good people of Perth to the infinite
possibilities of life in Shropshire. IÂ’m going to have an auction.
IÂ’ve
booked a local MC, a small portable stage and some girls in bikinis.
Tomorrow I am going to set up in the middle of Barrack Square, auction
some of my Shropshire related belongings (some postcards, some polaroids
of Moreton Say signed by me, a snowstorm from a shop in Oswestry,
my sunglasses I wore while in Shropshire and a packet of spearmints
Polos I bought at my local shop and had forgotten about) and then
as a final grand gesture, I am auctioning myself.
Whoever loves Shropshire enough to bid the most for me will get
Morris TelfordÂ’s exclusive services for three whole days and
nights.
IÂ’ve
put some flyers around the city.
I expect
a big crowd.
I might
ask them if anyone knows where Biggest Bingo is.
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