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Radio 4,2 mins

Canon Angela Tilby - 07/11/2019

Thought for the Day

Available for over a year

Good morning. The actress Emma Watson, who’s currently single, has attracted some comment by describing herself as ‘self-partnered’. To an older generation this can sound puzzling. I remember absorbing the widely held view that I would languish through life, forever incomplete, if I was left, as we put it, ‘on the shelf’. Of course I knew there were single people like nuns who had a vocation to singleness, but for me, to not get married was to suffer a fate worse than death. My generation had to learn, often painfully, that it is simply not true that any relationship is better than none. It has led to a lot of unhappy marriages and stunted lives. Today singleness is on the rise, not as a second best, but as a viable option for a fulfilled life. There have been several recent cases of women as far apart as Italy and Australia marrying themselves, one in a private ceremony on the beach, the other with a wedding cake and seventy guests. While these examples may seem slightly dotty, even embarrassing, many post millennials take a positive view of the single state. People speak of being their own best friend, or being most themselves when they are on their own. There’s something in this. I spoke to a therapist once who was convinced that anyone who really wanted to marry could always find someone to marry them. But he also believed that being reconciled to the person you actually are is an important step to fulfilment. Befriend yourself and you are more likely to meet a compatible partner. But befriending yourself is also a wise thing to do for its own sake. Single, self-partnered people may be making discoveries that others have failed to make. They are finding that singleness need not be loneliness, but a rich and enriching way of solitude. It is not at all like narcissism - most narcissists are desperate to attract others. The psychologist Carl Jung spoke of the personal shadow we all have within and of the need to encounter it and learn from it. He also believed we must transcend the self-seeking ego and encounter the divine presence within ourselves. As individuals we are inhabited by universal myths and patterns which play out in our lives. We need the inner space to recognise these realities. So whether partnered or single we are, in a sense, never less alone than when alone. Perhaps we are being taken back to the most ancient wisdom of our civilisation from the shrine of Apollo at Delphi: Gnothi Seauton. Know yourself, a command which is echoed throughout the Christian spiritual tradition, and which my generation sometimes missed in its desperation to find Miss or Mr Right. Singleness is a valid road to freedom, the condition, and the outcome, of a life well-lived.

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