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Before my last deployment to Iraq in 2004, I found myself mentally preparing for my death. This preparation is unavoidable, and a particularly difficult part of that for me, was writing final letters to my wife and children, only to be opened in the event of my death. Such letters really make you face the possibility of what your death might mean. And, facing that possibility, I became petrified at the thought of losing my family. Every time I thought of their possible loss to me, I became sick with fear. Another fear also began to emerge. I became afraid that the fear of losing my family, would stop me caring for my soldiers. That instead of risking my life going out and about theatre to visit them in their bases, I would seek out places of relative safety instead. That way I give myself the best chance of returning to my family. I chose to do my best for my soldiers, but to do this I had to dial down all my emotional connections to my family. I remember getting on the aircraft into theatre and making the decision I had already died. If I had already died, then I would have no feelings, and therefore fear might be able to be managed. I returned home 6 months later and the immediate days and the years following have been dominated by my inability to dial my emotions back up. I have remained, as have many of our soldiers, in the valley of the shadow of death. A place of utter desolation, where our shadows yearn to feel and, love and, live again but where our families only find the shell of who we were. Lazarus, Jesus' close friend had died, and standing outside the tomb of Lazarus weeping, Jesus cried 'Lazarus , come out.' These few words have so helped me to believe it is ok to live again and to slowly dial my feelings back up, but it has been a long road. I know I am not alone in my experiences, for many people beyond the military also dial down their feelings when faced with physical, mental, and emotional trauma, whatever form that takes. Like me, they can feel condemned to a lifeless existence as they seek to numb the pain of what is and what might be. As we turn into this New Year, perhaps we can all find a way to dial up our feelings and step by step escape our own tombs, holding once more the hands that want us to live again.