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"Ladies
and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on
a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please
give it to
a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for
the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I
care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your
bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their effing hand
stuck in the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors'
don't you
understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your
a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the underground. However, if you are smoking
a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
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