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When
you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,
and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't
write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
here.
When
an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That
way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When
you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping
you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into
your mail because your computer won't power up at all.
When
I.T. support sends you e-mail marked "high priority",
delete it at once. We're just testing.
When
an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send
urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.
When
the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics
in it.
When
you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support.
We can fix your telephone line from here.
When
you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
When
something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
We love a puzzle.
When
an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
in them, contradict us. We love a good argument.
When
an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean
by shortly?" THAT motivates us.
When
the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When
the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't
learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Don't
use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If
the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If
the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of
muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When
you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't
be doing it, would you?
When
you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited
on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We
don't have any money to speak of anyway.
Feel
perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
that computer stuff". We don't mind at all hearing our area
of professional expertise referred to as stuff.
When
you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support
- hanging a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends, that it be only performed by a professional engineer,
with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
When
something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with
a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When
you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't
even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When
you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People
like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When
you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday,
ask a computer question. We do weekends.
Don't
bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer
names are just a cosmetic feature.
When
you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers
somewhere.
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