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SICKNESS
AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.
BEREAVEMENT
LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR
OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM
USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A''''''''''''''''
will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B''''''''''''''''
will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable
to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees''''''''''''''''
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition,
there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK
GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:
Item
Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State
tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up
tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet
tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am
tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability
$0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental
$16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union
don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time
$8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen
$10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous
$113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry ! $1! 2.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay
$0.02
Thank
you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have
a nice week.
The
Management
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