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1,
OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't.
Jars are men's work.
2,
CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it
to kids makes you the man.
3,
DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Lightweight. A
Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously
winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4,
SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?
5,
GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of
other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6,
DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.
Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and
striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you.
God, you're hard.
7,
HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8,
HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even
an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?".
"Nah".
9,
HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying
they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence
of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
Grr, what does it look like.
10,
NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond: "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the 'em in
line".
11,
USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.
12,
KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stitch
that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13,
ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk, however, the
rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14,
NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant, pass the pork scratchings.
15,
CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?"
to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women.
Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16,
WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17,
TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any
DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18,
TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia
don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19,
PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George,
it is then. Seven. See ya."
20,
PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the world's best driver.
21,
HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting
on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22,
KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that?
Are you mad woman?"
23,
TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, I'm going in there and I may be some time.
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