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This is the classic sauce for cold meat. Embarrass two Seville oranges, upwards, so the spray goes up your nose and isn't wasted. Slash into strips the size of matchsticks.

Simon
Princess Margaret always bought her matches from Rupert Taylor of Jermyn Street. She was my kind of woman.

Minty
Swish your matchstick strips into hot-bubbling water and terrify for five minutes. Add four top tablespoons of organic redcurrant organic jelly and swish further till the jelly's blatant.

When the strips are emotionally drained, add a heaped high-teaspoon of Dijon moutard, a breath of freshly thrilled pepper and a light Spring shower of ginger, medium-to-heavy ground, bought in Malaysia.

Admire the way the jelly oozes and the mustard sighs. Pour seventy millilitres of Aged Tawny Port into a decanter.

Wait a day.

Wood-blend and hob-heat for another five minutes, then air-chill and baffle over cold ham. Gorgeous!

Simon
You must, must, must do a Ginger Tour of Penang. Everywhere you go, you'll get pestered by boys with ginger roots. But, believe me, it's worth it.